Top Ten Silly reasons to become a writer

Writing can be fun if you let it!

10. Your friends will become jealous because you sit home all day in front of the computer, eating bon-bons and pondering life.

(As if. Ha ha ha Don't you wish? Deadlines. Paychecks. Ever heard of either?)

9. If anyone gets nasty with you, you can simply write them into your book, torture them endlessly or even kill them off.

(You won't even get arrested. I promise. And BTW, that killing people off thing is highly overrated. The torturing thing is much more satisfying because you can drag it out as long as you want.)

8. You absolutely have to social network. So, it's kind of like getting paid to Facebook. If you're good at it, you'll even get a raise.

(Ain't that a hoot? Wait, I'm not a hillbilly. Where the heck did that come from?)

7. You sometimes have the best genuine excuse in the world for not doing your job.

(It's called writer's block and it's for real, so you don't even have to feel guilty about it!)

6. Your Mom can introduce you as “My daughter/son, the famous author.”

(Hey, she doesn't know that you have to be published to be an author and you're not that famous. Why spoil it for her?)

5. You get to hide behind an alias, legally.

(Alias/pen name, To-may-toe/To-ma-toe, what's the difference?)

4. You get to learn about all kinds of weird things in the name of research.

(Be careful though, your browsing history will show it.)

3. And you really can work in your underwear and stuff your face all day if that's what you're into.

(That is, if you don't mind weighing 250 pounds and looking ridiculous when the mailman delivers your latest novel. Wait, are those underoos? I haven't seen them since the 80's.)

2. You finally have an excuse to be crazy.

(Everyone knows that all the great writers are off their rockers.)

And best of all?

1. You can write fun stuff like this and get paid for it.

Top Ten excuses for all occasions

Huh?

It's not you, it's me?

10. It's the impossible dream.

(If you think you can't do something, chances are, you're right.)

9. I have to prioritize.

(Prioritizing involves actually doing at least some of the things on your list.)

8. The cat is on my lap.

(The cat is not a stationary object. He/she will not expire if moved to a cozy spot.)

7. I did so much yesterday, I deserve a break.

(And tomorrow, you'll be doing everything you didn't do today, plus all the things you have to do tomorrow. It's a vicious cycle. Spread it out!)

6. It's not my mess.

(If it's bugging you, you own it.)

5. It will still be there tomorrow.

(Only worse and deeper and more of a pain.)

4. I'm waiting for................ Sing it with me now, oh oh, 

 

what are you waiting for or or..... 

 

 

3. I stubbed my big toe, etc.

(Come on, you know that stopped hurting 5 minutes after it happened.)

2. My doctor said I shouldn't.

(Sure he did, sure he did.... Besides, when have you ever listened to him before? Oh, I see. It's just this one time, because he gave you permission to be lazy, right?)

We all know Monday never comes.

1. I'll start on it Monday.

(Or next Monday or the Monday after that. Whenever, whatever.)

Top Ten annoying Craigslist ads

What is it? How much is it? Where is it? Where are you?

10. Ads with no pictures and bad descriptions

No matter how good you make something sound, if it looks like crap they're going to know it when they come to pay you for it anyway, so why not be up front about it? Besides, who knows? Someone might just be looking for a piece of crap.

9. Ads and sales with no prices

There is no price on anything you have for sale. Who do you expect to sell it to? A psychic? Dude, you are going to have to give a price sometime if you expect to collect money for it. Do us both a favor. Just put the price in your ad. Mark it on the items in your sale. You'll be shocked how well this technique communicates the cost to potential buyers.

8. Ads with no contact information

News flash, Craigslist e-mails are glitchy as all heck. Throw us a bone. Give us an address, a phone number, an e-mail, a homing pigeon, send up a flare.... Smoke signals? We have to find you before we can buy from you.

Dude, if it's a garage sale, just call it a garage sale!

7. Poser “estate sales”

OK, let me get this straight. You have 2 broken chairs, a bunch of used clothes in a heap and some drooled on, written on baby toys. Please don't call it an estate sale.

I'm too sweet to be victimized on Craigslist!

6. Ads for free pets

A slight pause for a serious issue here. Folks, have we not learned by now what happens to pets advertised for free on Craigslist? If you care at all about your unwanted pets or even if you don't, please do not offer them for free to the sickos who peruse Craigslist for twisted reasons.

The clock is ticking....

5. Ads that aren't removed in a timely manner

OK, here I am at your house, looking for the free stuff you advertised. Surprise! It's not there. Who'd of thunk it?

4. “To the guy with the....”

You gotta love the losers who take out a Craigslist ad just to complain about another Craigslist ad. Enough said.

3. Ads that sound free, but make you work for free instead

Free gravel. You'll have to pick it out of the sand that our cat has been using as a toilet, piece by piece. The sand is also free, by the way. It's all yours if you have a shovel, a truck, an extra man and about 12 hours to spare. Have fun breaking your back in my front yard while my dog growls at you and my snot nosed kids stare at you out the front window.

Just put it out there, dude!

2. Free stuff you have to call about

You're giving it away, right? You don't want it, right? So spare me. Just put your crap on the lawn with a free sign, take a picture, include your address and let the fun begin. No one is going to hurt you over your busted up couch and assorted scrap metal. It's OK to tell us where the pile is.

If this is part of a package deal, you can keep the whole mess!

1. The “must take all” ad

I am sort of interested in the nice little shelf in the picture.

I do not want your broken flowerpots, your used long underwear, your half case of bottled diet tea, your broken lawn mower, your.... well, you get the idea. I will not take your pile of trash to the dump for you, just because there is one item in the pile that vaguely piques my interest. Must take all? I'll tell you what, how about you just keep it all?

Oh Craigslist, you amuse me so.